bad boy

ponder over this: "one common misunderstanding that 'nice guys' have is that they think the opposite of conflict is appeasement, which sometimes includes timid deception. The opposite of conflict is actually resolution, a process that demands bold truthfulness... 'Nice guys' are afraid to be bold. They're afraid that when they move into masculinity they may misstep, say something wrong, upset the order of things. They worry that they may go overboard and not behave perfectly. They think: "If I live small, I'll make less mistakes." Peace that avoids and denies actual conflict is counterfeit, using passivity as an excuse." - adapted from Paul Coughlin

something i read that really struck me especially after the boss WK revealed that he had hired me because he thought that i was the kind of guy that would say "ah, that's bullsh*t lah! don't waste your time!" to a lousy suggestion. thought that i would be the 'bad boy' of the team apparently. someone to take after himself. lol..

incidentally, WK also asked me a question that day during the CNY celebration: "eh, you really always this quiet wan ah?" hm.. really reminds me of the teachers' comments which almost always shows up every year in my primary and secondary school report books: "... he's a very quiet boy in class..".

but i admit it's always been a problem for me lah. i've always been quiet, passive and - dare i say it? - 'nice' since young, especially around people i dun know very well, or around people of seniority or authority.

i realised that i really needed to do something to handle this issue of my life about more than a year ago and i've been working on it since then. well, i guess i've made some progress seeing how i always manage to irritate certain people, hehe.. but i guess i still got a long way to go before i can really say i've conquered this problem. how long will it take? who really knows? but one thing's for sure: it has got to be done - and it will.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commites oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help on that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power ... in it. Begin it now." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

irritants

something's been gradually getting on my nerves over the past few months.

i take the train to work, and almost everyday on the escalator on the way down to the station, some woman wearing heels always overtakes me on the right. no, no.. it's the not the same woman, nor is it an ego thing to be overtaken - since i always stand on the left to let them overtake me anyway.

it's the sound they make lah. the 'klonk klonk klonk' sound they make with every step down the escalator. argh.. i listen to music thru my earphones and still i can hear it echoing thru my head. and it's even worse when there's like oni 1 minute left till the train leaves - you practically get a herd of them rushing down the escalator. it's enough to drive you insane, i tell ya. and really, wat's the point of rushing for the damn train if it's going off in 1 min's time? you are NOT going to make it lah, please...

and another thing that irritates the hell out of me? those damn telemarketeers! always calling during office hours. i see some number that i dun recognise, so just pick up the call lah, since it could be something important and basket! it turns out to be someone from ABC company calling on behalf of XYZ bank promoting their new credit card.

ah, but there's a simple way of getting rid of these credit card promoters isn't there? just wait for the magical question: "Are you currently earning an annual income of 30k or more?" my response? "wahaha, i wish leh! so, do i still qualify for your prestigious card ah?" and that usually sends them packing with the standard response "oh, it's ok then. we shall contact you again if we have a new product that's more suitable for you. thank you for your time!" aw.. ouch.. i feel so hurt. hehe

the old and the new

first, the new : a new blogskin! still something out of Blogger's standard templates tho. was looking thru hundreds of templates on Blogskins.com, but couldn't find any that i like. maybe i'll try my hand at creating blogskins soon, but that's a big maybe.. haha

the old : Police Academy movies! man, i didn't know there were 7 of them. amazing how i can still remember scenes from the shows even though it must have been at least 10 years since i last saw them.

* * *

blasted weather's getting on my nerves.. always have to rain when i'm about to get my fat ass out of the door to go for a jog.

yesterday on saturday, i had already gotten dressed and was already on my way to the nearby park. 50 m away from the park, and it started to rain. so had to u-turn and made my way back.

and just now, had put on my contact lenses and was about to step out of the door when i took a closer look outside and realised that it was beginning to drizzle. basket.

haven't had some real exercise in weeks.. why is it always sunny during the weekdays when i'm cooped up in the office and raining during the weekends when i want to be out? gr...

but on the other hand, i am pleasantly suprised by the Met Service's accuracy. cos KH said that the forecast called for showers in the late afternoon on saturday, so wait first before deciding whether to go ECP to skate - it was sunny then lah. and true enough, it started raining later in the afternoon. hm.. but then again hor, even a clock that's stopped working is correct twice a day isn't it? haha

moolah

woohoo! pay came in today together with the annual bonus.. i dun think i've ever seen my bank account shoot up like this before.. haha

but it's not the amount per se.. rather, it was the recognition.

the email they sent out said that we would be getting 2.2 months of bonus. someone in the office said that that would be the minimum amount that anyone who performed reasonably well would have gotten. so if you performed well, you should get more than that lah.

so i did a bit of calculation.. and i found that they gave me closer to 2.5 months rather than 2.2. 0.3 months may not sound like a lot lah, but i feel good when i hear that most of the other people are getting 2.2. and because i've recently been confirmed, i got my first ever pay increment - of 35 bucks.. lol.. but again, it makes me feel good knowing that other people got 20, 20+?

maybe it's due to the fact that i got a B for my December appraisal. my supervisor told me that it was "actually more like a B+ lah, but we don't have B+s, only Bs. and we can't give you an A cos this is only your first year with us and A is usually for those to be promoted."

but like i said, it's not about the money per se, or beating the rest of your peers. but rather, it's the recognition - and i'm grateful for that. at least i know now that i'm sorta doing things right and going in the right direction.

* * *

with all the buzz about bonus, the inevitable topic of money and finances was bound to come up. and i revealed that i actually have a small sum of money that my mum gave me last time in some unit trusts as investment - and which i consider it to be money for my ... *scary violin music* .... marriage... lol. it's not much lah, but then i'm not planning to get tied down so soon anyway.

actually, i have never thot of a use for that sum of money until recently. one of the things about working is that you come into contact with colleagues who are already married with kids - conversation topics tend to be more family-oriented too. was a bit of a culture shock at first, but now i'm slowly getting used to it lah. and i dunno how it happened, but when i was re-evaluating my finances recently, and i thot about this sum of money, the thought just popped into my mind like it was the most natural thing in the world - "it's for my marriage". whoah~

so my colleague heard wat i said about having "lao po ben" and she commented: "wah, looks like you got everything ready to get married ah?" my response - again, it just came out without thinking - "yeah, all that i'm missing now is a wife!" haha

ah.. girls and relationships.. but that's another whole can of worms which i won't open today lah. another day, perhaps.

* * *

did i ever mentioned that i have weird parents? my mom just showed me proof of that again today.

since i got my bonus today together with my salary, i thought it's oni right that i give more for household allowance this month. actually i was thinking of giving only slightly a bit more, then i give my parents an ang pow each. but my colleagues (of the same generation as me) all thought that it was weird to do so, and we collectively agreed that it was best to just give more for household allowance.

so i withdrew the cash and gave it to my mom as she sat down at the dinner table to watch me eat as usual. told her that since i got bonus, i'm giving them more this month since it's the New Year and all. she didn't say anything at first, watched me eat a bit. then she picked up the money that was on the table, counted it and announced "this amount $x give to your dad for him to put in ang pow.." then she took the money, got up and went to place the money in his drawer.

she came back with a big ang pow packet. then she counted out another bunch of notes, stuffed it inside the red packet, places it on the table... and pushes it to me - and that's my ang pow for the year from her. -_-"

first of all: mom, i'm already working. it's ok.. you dun have to give me an ang pow. but i suck at this type of arguments and never win, so i just accepted it silently.

secondly: that bunch of notes that you just put into the red packet? i just drew that for you. dun you think it's weird to like take the money that i just gave you, put it in a red packet and give it right back to me? at least do it inconspiciously behind my back or something lah, not in front of me in my face.. sigh..

actually, i was quietly wondering if she would still give me an ang pow this year, and now i know. if i knew, i would have given them more money in the first place since i'm getting a 'rebate'.. haha. guess i'll just make it up to them somehow by buying more stuff for them to eat lah.

an old friend

so one of the things that's been bothering me quite a bit lately is a story about an old friend of mine, let's call him CC. i went out with YK over the weekend and he told me something about him which shocked me.

i've known CC for a long time now - we became friends in secondary school, even though i've always seen him around in primary school as well. but never really got to know the guy until we worked together on a project. somehow or another, the friendship continued all the way thru poly, and NS. even now, although we hardly see each other anymore, i still think of him as one of the brothers that i never had. which is probably why wat i heard is so shocking to me.

CC has always been a very 'metrosexual' kind of guy - since young, he always knew wat was 'in fashion' and knew how to dress up to look good. a few years back, he decided to hit the gyms in order to build himself up and recently, i heard that he's taking lifesaving lessons as well. and that's where the trouble started..

we chatted on and off thru MSN a few months back when he told me that he's taking lifesaving lessons. he told me jokingly that he thot the instructor was gay since he always seemed to pay CC special attention (seems he's one of the poorest students in class apparently) - looking at him funny and always picking him out for demonstrations. i thot nothing of it, and that he's just joking and didn't think much of it.

a few weeks back, i talked to him thru MSN again.. and he said he was feeling real depressed because he kinda got rejected in love or something. i told him i sympathised with him and hey, such things do happen. tried asking, but he refused to tell me any details. thot that he's going thru a rough patch, so i didn't pry any further.

apparently, YK was telling CC about some problems he was having with his girlfriend and CC told him the whole story behind his 'rejection'.

long story short: that very same lifesaving instructor asked CC out for coffee or something and made a pass at him and they ended up going to a hotel. CC stopped going for lifesaving lessons after that, not sure if it's because he couldn't face the instructor, or because he finished the course. so anyway, the instructor didn't contact CC after that day either. and after telling YK wat happened, CC confessed that he still misses the instructor and also asked YK if he (YK) 'missed' him (CC).

wat the heck? are you seriously telling me that my old friend has turned gay? the same guy whom i've known for over 10 years, and whom i've been going to church with for the past few years? i mean, we joke and accuse each other about being gay and all that as guys usually do. and i dun think i would have as big a problem as i would now if he only had these type of tendencies, but to think that they actually went to a hotel together? that's crossing a line which.. i dunno..

but at the same time, i cannot help but feel sorry for him if this is true. i mean, it's like.. he comes out of the closet, and his first treats him like a one night stand. i can't say i understand exactly, but man.. wat kind of damage does that do to you?

on some level, i'm still hoping that he was oni joking when he told YK the story. afterall, it's hard to tell the difference when you're talking thru MSN. but YK strongly believes that he was telling the truth since the tone of their whole conversation was very serious. and i hate to admit it, but YK tends to be generally better at judging people and emotions than i am.

so where does that leave me now? CC doesn't yet know that i know. and if i were to go up and ask him about it, he will most prob be all defensive about it and deny everything. and he'll know that it was YK that told me. and i.. dunno wat else i can do for him..

meeting another good fren of ours soon for dinner, gonna try and get him out as well. the least i think i have to do is to ascertain for myself if wat i heard is true before letting it bother me any further..

welcome

alrite, alrite.. looks like i didn't set that thing as hard as i thought as i did.. at least 3 people have found their way here already. i was expecting u ppl to take a bit of time to solve it. haha.. but, i have to give credit where credit is due lah - thanks u guys for showing me that u care enough to go through all that trouble to locate this page.

btw, i've turned on anonymous comments for this blog, so if anyone else has found his/her way here but dun have a Blogger account to comment, u can do so now. a small request: do leave a comment identifying urself so that i have a rough idea of who's reading this ya?

anyway, would love to blog more.. but i'm kinda stretched to my limits today - went to Pandan, Defu and Woodlands with the office people on their annual CNY shopping trip. and since we finished early, decided to try out my new $468 roller blades with Rachel, KH and Soon Heng. yup, that pair of skates cost nearly 500 buckeroos - lucky i managed to get Leo to use his staff discount to buy the skates for us. the blades were good, but my blading on the other hand.. wasn't too bad lah, haha - at least i can stand and skate in a straight line pretty OK now. more practice needed there..

so now i've ended up with a giant headache. and even though it's oni wednesday, the shopping and blading today makes it feel like the weekend alreadi. sian.. still got 2 days to the real thing..

a new beginning..

so this is the first post on the new blog. why a new blog? well, i've been feeling this way for the longest time: it's like i've 'outgrown' the old one at Xanga. i dunno how it happened, but it kinda became too slapstick - even for me.. heh. and i just find it hard to continue writing in that kind of happy go lucky manner.

so i decided to start all over. i have no idea who's reading the old one anymore and i guess it's a psychological thing, but i felt restricted - not daring to write watever i wanted, always afraid of wat the people reading would think and all that. i guess the reason why i continued with the thing for so long was because it was a way for my CSS frens to continue to keep in touch with wat's happening in my life and also because i've had feedback that they found my posts funny and enjoyed reading it. but i guess i'm gonna have disappoint these 'fans' - just can't really do it anymore.

i'm not going to promise to post regularly on this blog, or if it will contain happy happy la-la stuff. it might even contain depressing or worrying things - it's just gonna be a collection of my thoughts as and well i feel like jotting them down.

i'll write more about wat's been troubling me these past few days later.. been coding hard for these past few days and i seem to getting more and more tired even though i've been having pretty much the same amount of sleep everyday. think i'll turn in early today - tmr, the office people are having a field trip around S'pore to buy CNY stuff so i'll need all the energy i can get.

but - gotta start off the blog the right way with some happy news : bonus was announced today.. 2.2 months + $500 bucks! pro-rated since i only joined in june. think i'll really lucky to join this company which gives National Day bonus, AWS, Customer Satisfaction bonus and this yearly bonus.. hehehe..